CONFESSIONS OF A SINNER

          My lover held a strange charm over me. She made me chase false dreams that I knew would fade away. She kept me chained to a lust that finally destroyed me. She forced me into compromises that weakened me. Her promises of true love ended up only as a mirage. And, even though I knew I would keep on getting hurt, I followed the dictates of my evil mind like an obedient slave. She did not do this literally but our relationship caused all this. She was an unbeliever and though I was born into a Christian home, I was in a relationship with her because I did not see anything wrong with it.

             Aside from my relationship, my lifestyle was all about partying every weekend and some nights during the week. Yet, when I escaped all the noises of the crowd and withdrew from my pleasures, a poor, lonely self deep within me cried out for satisfaction, like the pitiful call of a starving child. The voice cried out, 'Please don't leave me alone; feed me; help me; give me love. All I know is, there was a terrifying struggle going on in my body for control. I could not understand what was going on but somewhere deep within me, I knew that partying was wrong but I could not see the evil in it. Maybe I got this feeling because my so-called good roommate does not party.

           Please, do not think my life is complicated but in me dwelled every form of sin. My best friend was gay. One day, while waiting for the lecturer to arrive, a young man walked up to us and talked to my friend. I was uninterested in what he had to say when I saw the pocket Bible tucked between his lecture notes. Not long after, I heard my friend say to him angrily, “There is not one gay in this city who wants to change. You preachers are simply wasting time. We are not sick--we are not in need of a so-called cure. We are proud, better adjusted than straights--and we have every right to resent religious fanatics coming into our areas to try and change us. Go back to your wife swapping, fornicating straights, and get them to change. Leave us alone." Even though I am not gay, but I agreed with my friend. These so-called born again Christians are hypocrites. After few minutes of apologizing, the young man left and I turned to my friend and said, “I thought God is just the guy who created us and that’s all. These people talk about sin and sinners all the time when even the Bible says, “All have sinned.” No one should stand up to me and tell me rubbish about my lifestyle. They are not better than I am. After all, they are just hypocrites. God judges the heart and not the appearance. Whatever I do, I have good intentions.”

            In my school, fashion and gadgets was always a competition. The awards were given to the most sophisticated and the richest. I’d never gotten an award before and it bothered me seriously. Envy and jealousy brewed in my heart towards the dudes that get the awards. They were lucky because they were born into rich homes. For guys like me, we’d to hustle our way around to keep up with the competition. That semester, I tripled the amount for my school fees so that I can get a cut out of it for my gadgets. I didn’t care how my parents struggled to get me the money. It is their duty as parents to provide for me. I was greedy and I lust after clothes, shoes, expensive phones, wrist watches etc. I settled for lust, for the thrill of the moment, the evening out, the expensive clothes, fine foods, jewelry, drinking, and attractive escorts I could get with the money I drained out of my parents.

             In spite of these, I really did want to live right and do good things. I did not enjoy any of the acts I indulged in. When I was alone, I still had to face myself. There was an evil presence always in my mind, trying to overthrow every good and decent thing I tried to do. This evil part of me kept dragging me down, making me do things I really didn't want to do. It was such an overpowering presence, I obeyed its every command, and I ended up with feelings of guilt, loneliness, and emptiness. I am a strange creature with two opposing minds in one body. Two distinct life forces in me keep trying to control my actions. There are things about myself that scare me. Things like a great inner need that can't be explained. Like the constant need for love and fulfillment. Also, those subtle desires that surface on occasion, making me lust for experiences that are contrary to my better nature. I can't explain why I am such a dual person when it comes to right and wrong. The evil that I hate is always present in me. The good and moral desires are there too, keeping my mind in constant turmoil. It is not an every day, all day long battle, but the evil, at times, tries to overpower me.

         Just when I think I've got my act together, things fall apart, and once again I am doing things I really don't want to do. At times a part of me felt angry with God for not taking the sin out of my heart. I got tired of the battle in me. The enemy of my soul seemed so strong, and I felt so weak. The righteous nature in me wanted God to stomp out all the wickedness, pluck out my overpowering, sinful desires, and set me free from my sin.

           I know there is a part of me that wants to obey God. It has nothing to do with churches or preachers or moralizing do-gooders. It is even more than just a desire for forgiveness. It is more than just getting my soul saved. It has nothing to do with the fear of Hell or damnation. It is even more than a need for peace and fulfillment. It is a need, in the very deep of my soul, to know God in a very personal way and to feel His love. Someday I hope to get back to God and be free.

          I read the Bible and discovered I am not the only person caught in a struggle between good and evil. David was a man loved by God. Yet he committed adultery with Bathsheba then murdered her husband to keep him from discovering she was pregnant. He was driven to despair. He admitted, "My sins are over my head....They are too high for me. I can't understand myself....There is no soundness in my flesh....There is no rest in my bones because of my sin. My loins are filled with a loathsome disease."

Paul the apostle said,

"My own behavior baffles me. For I find myself doing what I really LOATHE, but not doing what I really want to do....I often find that I have the will to do good, but not the power. When I want to do good, only evil is within my reach....It makes me a prisoner to the law of sin which is inherent in my mortal body. For, left to myself, I serve the law of God with my mind, but in my unspiritual nature I serve the law of sin. IT IS AN AGONIZING SITUATION....WHO CAN SET ME FREE FROM THE PRISON OF THIS MORTAL BODY?....ONLY CHRIST!" (Romans 7:14-25 Phillips Translation).

      (to be continued)